no, he came in my armpit
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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