I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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