she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
