There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
