Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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