I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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