Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
