genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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