I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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