dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
