I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
