That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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