I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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