I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
