seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
