She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
