Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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