we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
whose parrot is this?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
