what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
