I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
