I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I love you.
Bad choice
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
