I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
