When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There's a naked man in my car right now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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