I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
