Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
