it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
