i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize