Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
