my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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