so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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