No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
