from now on my penis is your penis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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