God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
