I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
