she was so not down for the gang bang
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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