I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
