As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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