I love black thongs
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
