My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
