I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
BRING THE BAGELS
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
