I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my being single is dangerous.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
