She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just invented taco cereal.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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