Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
