life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
