Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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