Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
