Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize