omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize