Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
