I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
