Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
