You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
