Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
