Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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