Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
