You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
