I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
