Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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