One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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