So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
